3 Months and My Period Came Today

It’s been three months, three months since my little ones came and went. 

I miss them. 

I miss them even more than before. I’m getting so close to the time they should have been born. Our psychologist said to not think about the future we would have had, had they been born, but I can’t help but think about it sometimes.

I held their pictures and put their arm-bands on my fingers. I cried. I cried desperately. I would wish this feeling on no one. I miss them. I miss them so so much. 

I love them, and I still believe their souls weren’t ready to be here. 

Today, my period came. It’s a few days late. I’m in the middle of my 2nd IVF cycle and I really wanted it to be on time. I should know better, nothing ever goes the way I plan it. Huh. I wonder if it ever will. Only time will tell.

We’ll when I get pregnant again, this will be day one of my next pregnancy. Ironically, 9 months from today is Dec. 9th, 2011.  Exactly one year to the day, Kea and Kili came and went.

Round 2

It’s begun. The process. The second round...of IVF. I started taking birth control to regulate my period one week and a day ago. I wanted to write about going through this process again, but I was too busy enjoying myself in Spain with some of my friends.

Yes, It’s been 2 months and 13 days, plus or minus a few hours, since the event. Slowly but surely, I gaining strength and trying my best to keep myself occupied and sane. 

I’m staying busy which I feel is a good thing. Last time, I was in this process, it consumed me and I was stressed out like a maniac. But now, now I’m cool. I’m preoccupied. I haven’t the time to obsess about getting pregnant. My only task for now is to follow the instructions given to me by the doctor, remember to take my pills everyday and follow the treatment protocol.

I think I’ve got it down.

I'm still stressed, but luckily for me, it has no effect on whether or not the IVF treatments are successful.

I think I'm good.

Mommy's Journal

I have a site, with a daily blog called “Mommy’s Journal.” I write in it almost everyday, and for the days I don’t I’ll make up for it by writing two passages in one day. 

This “Mommy’s Journal” keeps me from going insane. It’s like having my own personal shrink with me anytime I need it. I simply get on my computer and start writing about whatever it is I’m thinking about in that moment.

It’s been very cathartic. It’s a place where I can go to scream and cry and let everything out. It’s the place I go to share my feelings and talk with my babies. 

I wanted to write about my journey to becoming pregnant again there, but I decided it wasn’t appropriate. This is a separate subject in which I’ve given it its own place. Here. And although some of the themes may overlap, and think it’s better to keep them in this way. 

Mommy’s journal, is a dedication to my suns. I will reserve that place for us (my suns and I). However, this is where I will share my thoughts and feelings on my quest to meet my new children. It’s a journey that I anxiously await. 

No Hysteroscopy, Not Necessary...

I went to the doctor last Friday at 9:00 with Bogdan. I took off my clothes while the Radiologist prepared the equipment. When I saw the utensil he was going to use, I started to freak out. 

‘Fuck this,’ I thought, ‘There’s no way he’s sticking that inside of me.’

“Umm. Is this going to be difficult?” I asked.

“Oh oui...for me very difficult, for you no problem, you must not moved.”

‘Great,’ I thought, ‘This is my lucky day.’

I continued, “Um, well...you have done this procedure before right?”

“Oh no, this is the first time,” he replied.

I’m pretty sure that in this moment he saw my pupils dialate and the fear of God slapped all across my face.

‘Une moment, sil vous plait,” and he walked out of the room.

I laid there in shock for all of about two minutes before I decided to up and get the hell out of there. I quickly dressed gathered my things and left the room. When I got outside the doctor was standing there speaking with my husband about some medication I needed in order for him to perform the procedure. 

Thank God, we didn’t have it. So, he couldn’t perform the hysteroscopy. I did, however, interject by telling him I just needed to see if my cervix was closed or open, its length, and to have him check my uterus. 

“Ah oui, this is no problem. I will do this with the ecografie, like this we can see everything. This is not a problem eh.”

When then proceeded to make the ultrasound, inter-vaginal and abdominal. Everything was perfectly fine. More than fine actually, my ovaries showed 6 follicles, 4 on the right, and 2 on the left. According to him, I’m a fertile-mertyle. He said, “There’s no problem, what happened was an accent and next time you make a cerclage, and you stay “quiet” (on bedrest), be positive and everything will be ok, ca bonne.”

“Okay,” I smiled. I was greatly relieved. Even though part of me was hoping for an answer, it’s better to know that I’m healthy and there is nothing to worry about with me physically. 

Amen. Thank you God for taking care of me.

   

Sitting, waiting, wishing

I didn’t go to the doctor on Wednesday. There’s a small, very small chance, that I could be pregnant again. I’m not getting my hopes up, but if there’s a possibility I won’t do anything to screw it up. 

I’ve been under the weather for the past five days and my condition has really gotten the best of me. I’ve spent a few consecutive sleepless nights coughing and drooling all over myself. Fun. Now, even though I’m still congested and full of phlegm, I am starting to feel much much better. This is good. I’m going to Spain to visit some friends, soak up some sun, and more than anything else, I just really need to feel better. Feeling good about yourself and being happy is a key ingredient to getting pregnant. I don’t have any scientific proof to back up that last statement, but I do believe it’s better to bring a child into a happy environment. If you’re not happy, before the baby comes, there’s a chance it will be more difficult to become happy after.

We’ll see. Wish me luck.

Tomorrow's Surgery

So, I’ve been waiting to hear back from our doctor in Romania to see if it’s a good idea to go ahead with the hysteroscopy tomorrow. There’s a minimal chance that I could be pregnant. I had lots of intercourse while I was ovulating, and even though I know that for us, it doesn’t equal a baby. There’s still hope right?

I dunno. I’m not obsessing about getting pregnant anymore. We’re actually enjoying each other’s company, that is when my husband decides not to be a pain in the ass. I’m sure the feeling’s mutual. 

Anyway, I hope to hear something soon, if I’m going to have to cancel the appointment. I’d like to know sooner than later.

Here’s to hoping.

Hysteroscopy

For those of you that don’t know what a hysteroscopy is, it’s a way for a doctor to look at the lining of your uterus with a thin viewing tool called a hysteroscope. I have an appointment for this procedure next Wednesday, and I really don’t want to do it. 

I’ve never enjoyed any form of medical intervention, let alone in my private parts. Who does? Anyway, the first reason I don’t want to have this procedure is: despite though the likelihood that I’m not pregnant(something like 1 in a million) there’s still a chance. Another reason is that it’s tremendously invasive procedure and I just don’t want to do it.

My uterus has been through so much in the last last 7 months, can we please let her rest. She needs to rest, so she can be ready for my next pregnancy. I suppose the only way to resolve this situation is to call our doctor in Romania, to see if it is absolutely necessary to make it now. This is Bogdan’s department, my Romanian has a long way to come, before I’m able to express myself exactly how I’d like. 

We’ll see. 

There are two sides to this coin, one if they can find the cause for what went wrong in my pregnancy, that would be ideal. Yet, on the other side...if they find nothing, I put my uterus and a possible pregnancy at risk for nothing. What to do, what to do. I suppose to hope it’s the first.