3 Months and My Period Came Today

It’s been three months, three months since my little ones came and went. 

I miss them. 

I miss them even more than before. I’m getting so close to the time they should have been born. Our psychologist said to not think about the future we would have had, had they been born, but I can’t help but think about it sometimes.

I held their pictures and put their arm-bands on my fingers. I cried. I cried desperately. I would wish this feeling on no one. I miss them. I miss them so so much. 

I love them, and I still believe their souls weren’t ready to be here. 

Today, my period came. It’s a few days late. I’m in the middle of my 2nd IVF cycle and I really wanted it to be on time. I should know better, nothing ever goes the way I plan it. Huh. I wonder if it ever will. Only time will tell.

We’ll when I get pregnant again, this will be day one of my next pregnancy. Ironically, 9 months from today is Dec. 9th, 2011.  Exactly one year to the day, Kea and Kili came and went.

Round 2

It’s begun. The process. The second round...of IVF. I started taking birth control to regulate my period one week and a day ago. I wanted to write about going through this process again, but I was too busy enjoying myself in Spain with some of my friends.

Yes, It’s been 2 months and 13 days, plus or minus a few hours, since the event. Slowly but surely, I gaining strength and trying my best to keep myself occupied and sane. 

I’m staying busy which I feel is a good thing. Last time, I was in this process, it consumed me and I was stressed out like a maniac. But now, now I’m cool. I’m preoccupied. I haven’t the time to obsess about getting pregnant. My only task for now is to follow the instructions given to me by the doctor, remember to take my pills everyday and follow the treatment protocol.

I think I’ve got it down.

I'm still stressed, but luckily for me, it has no effect on whether or not the IVF treatments are successful.

I think I'm good.

Mommy's Journal

I have a site, with a daily blog called “Mommy’s Journal.” I write in it almost everyday, and for the days I don’t I’ll make up for it by writing two passages in one day. 

This “Mommy’s Journal” keeps me from going insane. It’s like having my own personal shrink with me anytime I need it. I simply get on my computer and start writing about whatever it is I’m thinking about in that moment.

It’s been very cathartic. It’s a place where I can go to scream and cry and let everything out. It’s the place I go to share my feelings and talk with my babies. 

I wanted to write about my journey to becoming pregnant again there, but I decided it wasn’t appropriate. This is a separate subject in which I’ve given it its own place. Here. And although some of the themes may overlap, and think it’s better to keep them in this way. 

Mommy’s journal, is a dedication to my suns. I will reserve that place for us (my suns and I). However, this is where I will share my thoughts and feelings on my quest to meet my new children. It’s a journey that I anxiously await. 

No Hysteroscopy, Not Necessary...

I went to the doctor last Friday at 9:00 with Bogdan. I took off my clothes while the Radiologist prepared the equipment. When I saw the utensil he was going to use, I started to freak out. 

‘Fuck this,’ I thought, ‘There’s no way he’s sticking that inside of me.’

“Umm. Is this going to be difficult?” I asked.

“Oh oui...for me very difficult, for you no problem, you must not moved.”

‘Great,’ I thought, ‘This is my lucky day.’

I continued, “Um, well...you have done this procedure before right?”

“Oh no, this is the first time,” he replied.

I’m pretty sure that in this moment he saw my pupils dialate and the fear of God slapped all across my face.

‘Une moment, sil vous plait,” and he walked out of the room.

I laid there in shock for all of about two minutes before I decided to up and get the hell out of there. I quickly dressed gathered my things and left the room. When I got outside the doctor was standing there speaking with my husband about some medication I needed in order for him to perform the procedure. 

Thank God, we didn’t have it. So, he couldn’t perform the hysteroscopy. I did, however, interject by telling him I just needed to see if my cervix was closed or open, its length, and to have him check my uterus. 

“Ah oui, this is no problem. I will do this with the ecografie, like this we can see everything. This is not a problem eh.”

When then proceeded to make the ultrasound, inter-vaginal and abdominal. Everything was perfectly fine. More than fine actually, my ovaries showed 6 follicles, 4 on the right, and 2 on the left. According to him, I’m a fertile-mertyle. He said, “There’s no problem, what happened was an accent and next time you make a cerclage, and you stay “quiet” (on bedrest), be positive and everything will be ok, ca bonne.”

“Okay,” I smiled. I was greatly relieved. Even though part of me was hoping for an answer, it’s better to know that I’m healthy and there is nothing to worry about with me physically. 

Amen. Thank you God for taking care of me.

   

Sitting, waiting, wishing

I didn’t go to the doctor on Wednesday. There’s a small, very small chance, that I could be pregnant again. I’m not getting my hopes up, but if there’s a possibility I won’t do anything to screw it up. 

I’ve been under the weather for the past five days and my condition has really gotten the best of me. I’ve spent a few consecutive sleepless nights coughing and drooling all over myself. Fun. Now, even though I’m still congested and full of phlegm, I am starting to feel much much better. This is good. I’m going to Spain to visit some friends, soak up some sun, and more than anything else, I just really need to feel better. Feeling good about yourself and being happy is a key ingredient to getting pregnant. I don’t have any scientific proof to back up that last statement, but I do believe it’s better to bring a child into a happy environment. If you’re not happy, before the baby comes, there’s a chance it will be more difficult to become happy after.

We’ll see. Wish me luck.

Tomorrow's Surgery

So, I’ve been waiting to hear back from our doctor in Romania to see if it’s a good idea to go ahead with the hysteroscopy tomorrow. There’s a minimal chance that I could be pregnant. I had lots of intercourse while I was ovulating, and even though I know that for us, it doesn’t equal a baby. There’s still hope right?

I dunno. I’m not obsessing about getting pregnant anymore. We’re actually enjoying each other’s company, that is when my husband decides not to be a pain in the ass. I’m sure the feeling’s mutual. 

Anyway, I hope to hear something soon, if I’m going to have to cancel the appointment. I’d like to know sooner than later.

Here’s to hoping.

Hysteroscopy

For those of you that don’t know what a hysteroscopy is, it’s a way for a doctor to look at the lining of your uterus with a thin viewing tool called a hysteroscope. I have an appointment for this procedure next Wednesday, and I really don’t want to do it. 

I’ve never enjoyed any form of medical intervention, let alone in my private parts. Who does? Anyway, the first reason I don’t want to have this procedure is: despite though the likelihood that I’m not pregnant(something like 1 in a million) there’s still a chance. Another reason is that it’s tremendously invasive procedure and I just don’t want to do it.

My uterus has been through so much in the last last 7 months, can we please let her rest. She needs to rest, so she can be ready for my next pregnancy. I suppose the only way to resolve this situation is to call our doctor in Romania, to see if it is absolutely necessary to make it now. This is Bogdan’s department, my Romanian has a long way to come, before I’m able to express myself exactly how I’d like. 

We’ll see. 

There are two sides to this coin, one if they can find the cause for what went wrong in my pregnancy, that would be ideal. Yet, on the other side...if they find nothing, I put my uterus and a possible pregnancy at risk for nothing. What to do, what to do. I suppose to hope it’s the first.

Back to the Beginning...

Today I had an appointment with Dr. Elisabeth Sauze, the primary care doctor I went to during my pregnancy. The same doctor I went to 2 days before the boys were born, the one that told me everything was fine.

I got everything I wanted and all of my questions answered. I don’t have cervical cancer, I don’t have any infections, and she was able to her to write me the  prescriptions I need to go forth with IVF , and I have an appointment to check for cervical incompetence on Feb. 2, 2011.

It’s wasn’t easy. I thought I would be able to handle the visit without tears, I couldn’t. I tried my best, but the memory of being there pregnant, happy, and healthy was overwhelming me. How so much had changed in such a short time. 

Of course, I did manage to pull myself together before entering her office. When she opened the door, her face was firm with concern. I could tell how truly sorry she was for what happened to us. We sat down, and I gave her my list of requests translated into French. She proceeded to tell me her  hypothesis of what occurred according to the facts of my situation.

She said, it was impossible to tell there was a problem, with my history of such good health and that fact my cervix was fine when she checked me less than two days before the boys were born. My husband, being the awesome bad-ass that he is, called her out. At first, I thought, ‘Amore no, what are you doing?’ then I realized, ‘wait, he’s right, way to go baby, grill her, grill her!!’ 

Bogdan said, “If you knew the circumstances of our situation, that we did IVF, and that she was having twins, that this pregnancy was high-risk, why didn’t you think to put a cerclage before?”

Her response, “In France, we put a cerclage only when we know that a problem exists. It was impossible to know before there was a problem, because the cervix opened so quickly. I had 8 cerclages, because my first pregnancy my cervix was open and I stay 3 months on bed-rest.”

Yes, this woman (and she’s a doctor) has 9 children. This was the main reason I wanted to remain with her as my primary health care provider. She’s got experience, 9 kids, one at a time. Crazy. Nowadays 3 kids are a lot, imagine 9. 

Anyway, we accomplished everything we set out to do. I’m satisfied for now, there’s still much to be done, but for today, I’m good.

The Period.

The period, the monthly reminder that another month has come and gone without a baby. The damn period. For a long time, during the majority of my twenties I actually celebrated my period. I used to tell my husband, “Yes! We’re not parents!” Ha. How dumb was that, now that I think about it. If I could go back in time and slap myself, I would consider it. 

So, the assumption is correct, I got my period, and despite I knew it would come, I still felt the stab of pain knowing that indeed I am not pregnant. 

I spent almost a year, well more actually, crying my eyes out every time my new cycle would begin. I was frantic. I was consumed, and everyone around me was getting pregnant within a few months. Why wasn’t I?

Everyone, with my best interest in mind I’m sure, would tell me, just relax and it will happen. So I did. I started yoga and pilates, I tried meditation, deep breathing exercises, and sleeping a lot. Guess what...nothing.

Honestly, the whole “relax” thing is bullshit. I was stressed out of my mind when I went through the first cycle of IVF, and I got pregnant with twins. For me this bit of advice is just a waste of breath. It’s funny, your friends and family always want to contribute their tidbit of advice. On top of trying to relax, everyone tells you, you’re supposed to try not to try. This makes no sense at all, honestly, how do you stop thinking about getting pregnant, when all you really want is to get pregnant. You don’t stop thinking about getting pregnant, you’re always still thinking about getting pregnant. Also, how do you explain all of the women that get pregnant during times of crisis and war? Come on.

Now, that I’ve vented a little bit about how pissed off I am my period came, again, I hope others can relate and know they/you are not alone. 

Decision Time

Due to the strict rules and the bureaucracy here in France. The earliest I can make an appointment is the 28 of March and to start the process all over again will commence, I don’t know when. So, I in the midst of debating whether or not it’s worth it to wait and try it here. I also have 3 very good embryos frozen in Romania. 

Frankly, I do not trust the French doctors at all. If they didn’t have common sense enough to take extra precautions for my high risk pregnancy, then why would I continue to go through the psychological warfare of working with French doctors to get pregnant again.

There is one valid point and the only one worth truly considering. In France, they will reimburse you for up to four cycles of IVF. Considering, the procedure we initially went through cost us several of thousands of euros, it’s worth taking into consideration.

However, in the pit of my stomach, I don’t trust them and I don’t like them. I strongly believe these are two criteria that must be met when you work with a doctor, who is making your children. You want to trust them and have faith that they too, want the best for you.

After careful consideration and speaking with my husband, we’ve decided I will return to Romania to use our remaining embryos, after all, they are our potential children, they deserve a shot at life too.

An Oscar Worthy Performance

It’s been one month and one day, and the whole way to the clinic seemed to last for an eternity. At first, I was okay. I was calm and rehearsing our encounter over and over in my head. “Just breathe,” I muttered to myself.

‘This is going to be an Oscar worth performance,’ I thought. But as we got closer and closer to our destination, I started to panic. Tears started to wet my cheeks, and visions of a more violent scenario started to creep up into my mind. I pictured myself, jumping across the desk of Dr. Brechon to punch him in the face, but Bogdan pulled me back just in time. I was kicking and screaming trying to break free from Bogdan’s arms. I saw the rage in my face when I looked at this Dr. Death who stole the lives of my babies. There were thousands of flashes of anger, rage, sorrow, and longing pulsating through my brain. Yet, the only thing I could actually verbalize was, “I have enough money to pay someone, to put a hit on him.”

I can’t quote Ancient Roman Law, but I like to watch “Spartacus Blood and Sand” (actually it’s more Bogdan than myself), anyway I’ve side tracked, the initial point is eye for an eye. Is is not only fair for him to loose his children too, to serve as some retribution for the lives of mine?

Somehow in the midst of my panic attack, we arrived at our destination.

The walk through the parking lot was cold and emotional. Deja vu’s kept rattling my brain. We entered the clinic and the warmth from the lobby was surprisingly comforting. We walked through the pristine white hall straight to Dr. Brechon’s office, not even a minute had passed when he opened his door.

He came to shake Bogdan’s hand, then mine. I gave him the look of intense fury and entered his office. When I sat down in one of the two chairs in front of his desk, the same chair I sat in one month and one day ago, all of my anger and rage towards this man disappeared. I don’t know where it went, but it was gone. I looked him straight in the eyes, and there was no pain, there was no hate, this man was not the devil. He was merely a man. I looked at his tired eyes, and I knew it wasn’t his fault. I really wanted him to be the scapegoat to put the blame of this terrible tragedy on him, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t him you decided to take my babies, he did try to his best to do his job and to save my life. In wasn’t in his hands.

We proceeded to discuss the details of what happened. Multiple pregnancy’s are always at a much higher risk of prematurity than singleton pregnancy’s are. We continued to review my vital statistics, and everything was fine. As we sat there and discussed the events that took place, my husband, my Bogdan, my hero, took the liberty of saying the most important issue tormenting the two of us since this situation began.

He said (Bogdan), “The only thing that really bothers us, is that we didn’t make the decision to try to help them after they were born. We feel that as the parents, if our children were born alive, we should have the right to say, to you and the hospital, to assist them. This didn’t happen. The rules or the system, wouldn’t allow for our children to be helped. You (the hospital, the French system, not Dr. Brechon) watched them die, they were alive and died without any assistance. If it were up to us, we would have wanted you to intervene and help them anyway. We understand the rules and the possibility that our children may have had serious problems had they survived, but we would have tried, at least tried to save them.”

Dr. Brechon, then went on to discuss the rules in France and how the system doesn’t allow them to make this decision. How before they, the doctors, had more liberties, but now things are very closely regulated and they were unable to do anything.

We continued the checkup. He had to check to see how I was doing physically. Again everything was fine, and as I put myself together, he touched my wrist and told me, “I did everything I could, I did.”

“I know,” I whispered, “I believe that you did.”

I meant it. Inside my heart and deep in my soul, I know that what happened was beyond any of us.

Today passed a huge moment for me. I let go of my anger and rage, I forgave the man I wanted to hold responsible for taking my children’s lives. Part of me released a huge burden, today my heart lightened.

On a Mission

So, it’s a new year and time for a new start. After the experience I’ve had with my pregnancy, I’ve become a little preoccupied with certain aspects about pregnancy. 

However, as the days go by, and I start to regain my strength, I feel better and better. Some days are easier than others, but I know I’m ready to go again. Not right now, but soon.

Monday, I will return to see the doctor that delivered, or rather stood there and watched me give birth to, our sons. I’ll be honest, I’m not entirely excited about seeing him, as he has become what I imagine the devil looks like. Having said this, I hope he will perform the necessary exams to see if they can provide a diagnosis for what took place. Also, that I will be able to make the protocol analysis’s needed to get started with our new cycle of IVF via ICSI.

My husband has already spoken with our doctor where we did the first cycle of ICSI. We still have three embryos available and are seriously considering going through this route first. Despite which road we decide to embark on I know it going to be emotional and psychological challenge. 

Well, I’m getting ready. I look forward to this challenge. Bring it on IVF! I’ll be ready when the time comes. 

Getting Back to the Competition

Yesterday I started a out workout regime, and today I’m paying for it.

I was given clearance on the 29th of December to start working out again after my deliveries. Postpartum less than 3 weeks after, not normal, usually they make you wait 6 to 8 weeks before the doctors will give you permission to get back to the gym.

I’m an exception, I was only 5 and half months when I delivered my boys so my body and my uterus retracted faster than a full-term pregnancy. It also helped that I was in good shape before I got pregnant.

That isn’t the case anymore, due to fertility treatments and being pregnant, I was off the treadmill for over 7 months. Yesterday when I got back on, I suffered greatly. Perhaps I should have taken it easier, but for some reason I’ve embraced the pain of physical exhaustion. It’s something familiar to me, it’s something that I understand.

I used to be a professional athlete and I became accustomed to the physical torment my body went through to be able to compete at the highest levels in my sport. Now, this physical exhaustion has become a crutch to which I can release my pain and anguish. I may no longer a professional athlete, but I’m still competitor, a competitor in life. 

I was a woman trying to become a mother, a now a mother who may have been defeated, I must raise again to fight to be a mother again. I am, this is only the beginning.

Trying to get Pregnant Again

I was having a difficult time last night, deciding whether or not I wanted to get back on the saddle and try to get pregnant again. The reason why, because I knew I would be ovulating today. I lied in bed thinking, should I, should we, is it safe, is it meant to be like this, should we wait, am I ok down there? I still have some pain occasionally, but the doctor told me everything was alright, that we could resume sexual activities. 

So you see, all of these questions were twirling around in my mind. My husband and I talked about it and agreed we would wait until the morning. I wasn’t convinced, part of me felt like if I have a chance and I didn’t take it I would regret it later.

When I woke up this morning, I received a email, from a friend in Germany, these were her words verbatim, “Lily please do us One favour!!! Don't give a shit of what the others say..Listen to your Heart and to your Body! If you feel ok then start to become pregnant again do it!!!” After reading this email, I knew it was a sign, confirming my apprehensions from the night before. I began to cry.  My husband came downstairs to eat breakfast and he saw me sitting there quietly sobbing.

I told him about the email and how I felt about it, and how I had some regret for not trying. He listened and he looked at me with eyes filled with sincerity and said, “Let’s go upstairs.” 

We had a brief discussion about our circumstance and little time to act. He needed to be in practice at 10 am, it was already a little past 9 am. Well...we decided to try, and though it might not result in a pregnancy, at least I will know, we will know, we at least tried, which is the first step to creating a New Life.

The Day that Changed my Life

I lost my suns on December 9th, 2010. I was pregnant with twin boys. I went into spontaneous premature labor at 22 weeks and 1 day. Two days before I went to the doctor and was given a clean bill of health. My babies were strong and healthy and I was completely fine.

The loss of my children has been devastating. Though one thing that keeps me from drowning a pool of my own tears is the hope of getting pregnant again and having healthy, strong, living children. 

Getting Pregnant Again

I wanted to create a blog to help myself and the thousands of women who have suffered the loss of a pregnancy, to help us recover and find the courage and the strength to try again. I believe by empowering ourselves with knowledge and support we can move on, and one day have the child or children we’ve always dreamed of. 

The goal of this blog is to provide a source information for women who are trying to get pregnant, or trying to get pregnant again. As I myself embark on this journey, in real time, perhaps my efforts will be able to help other women similar situations know that they are not alone.

My journey begins now, and I look forward to having and maintaining a healthy pregnancy in the near future.

My Story and My Ambition

My husband and I have wanted to start a family for some time. After trying for over a year we discovered that we face some reproductive challenges. In May of 2010, I began IVF treatment via ICSI. The results were successful, I had become pregnant with two thriving little boys. We were so happy. The stress, emotion, and investment in this fertility procedure had paid off with twin boys. We were on top of the world. In my 5th month of pregnancy I went into labor. My twin boys were too small to for the doctors to aid their survival.

I have experienced a plethora of emotions in our quest to start a family. Happiness, sadness, grief, altruistic love, suffering, hope, too many emotions to list here. Yet, in this journey through the challenges of starting a family, I have found solace in writing about my children, writing about my grief, and sharing my thoughts with others.

I decided to create this site not only to help others find success on the path to pregnancy, but also to help myself. To share with others my thoughts and my feelings, as I too, am on the same quest to have healthy living children. Whilst on my journey, I can try to alleviate some of the pain and suffering in my grievances as I move on to a hopeful, happier future full of life and children.

My Story: Pregnancy After Loss

I was so blessed to be pregnant with twin boys from July 2010 until December 2010. My suns were born at 22 weeks and 1 day. They each lived for a minute before the passed onto heaven. 

We don’t know the cause of my premature labor, but we are in the midst of discovering what actually happened. I’m going to the doctor this week to begin a series of different tests to see if they, the doctors, can come up with a diagnosis of what went wrong. 

By February, I would like to start the process to begin another cycle of InVitro Fertilization or IVF. My first cycle was a success for achieving pregnancy, unfortunately, due to the complications the result did not end with a live birth.  

I have been on this journey to motherhood for some time, but I am determined to go forward, I am determined to have healthy children in my future. I am a mother, a mother who is looking to be a mother again. 

This site is a testament to my will. I’m putting myself on the line, as I embark on the quest to have children. I want to put my story out there for others who have suffered the loss of a child, for those who have struggled to get pregnant and stay pregnant, for mothers trying to become mother again...you are not alone.

There are millions of women out there who have experienced the loss of a pregnancy, but have no way to express their feelings about it. I have found a way for me to release my emotions through an online journal in a tribute I’ve created for my sons. This journal has given me the strength to move forward and hope to get pregnant again. It’s become a very cathartic experience and from this experience I want to help other women. 

In an effort to heal myself and help others, I have created this site, dedicated to women trying to get pregnant and those trying to pregnant again after a loss. I will post as much valid information as I can. There is a plethora of misinformation on the internet that is thought to be true when it is not. I will be including a blog about my own journey to pregnancy and writing reviews about products I’ve used or am currently using as I work toward my goal of having a healthy 37 week plus pregnancy resulting in healthy living children.

I hope I will be able to help women and inspire them to move forward, and convince them to continue to try. It’s all we can do is keep trying.